I really hadn’t been feeling like myself the last few days. On paper I should have been happy: high grades in college; interesting job that I love; lots of new friends. Yet somehow I felt sort of… empty inside, like there was something missing.
I can’t pinpoint the exact cause, but I know running into two old friends didn’t help matters. When I used to hang out with them, they’d tell me I was the best in the world- “oh you’re wonderful. Oh you’re great. Oh you’re the best friend a person could have blah blah”. Yet they were the first to blame me for something that had absolutely nothing to do with me (something I had no idea about, involving people I didn’t even know). One of them apologised to me sometime afterwards and we’d been on good enough terms (though we’d never be as close as we used to be) until I realised he’d been lying to me about things. The other person… she never apologised; never even acted like she felt bad about the things she said to me. I tried to forgive her but I just couldn’t get over the way she treated me, and I guess ever since I’ve felt a sort of resentment towards her- towards both of them really but mainly her.
I don’t want to be resentful; I don’t want to be grudging; I don’t want to be hateful. But seeing these two people around campus so much… it shows me this side of myself that I don’t like. Seeing them also brought back some memories of school that I honestly thought I had moved on from. And yesterday as I was working in my lab, I got a text of my new friends asking me to join them for tea at break time and I got a sudden bout of anxiety: my hands were shaking so much I couldn’t screw the equipment into place and my heart was just pounding. I was freaking out because I’d convinced myself that these new friendships are temporary like the other ones; that it was only a matter of time before these people see how I really am and want nothing to do with me.
But last night when my brother asked me if I was okay, I broke down in tears and told him the way I’d been feeling the past week and how I get this feeling from time to time. I hadn’t meant to say anything because I didn’t want anyone to worry about me, but I’m glad I told him because he made me see things in a whole new light and I honestly feel so much better now.
The reason I decided to do this post is because I want to tell anyone else who feels this way from time to time- don’t keep it to yourself; tell someone. It might be a friend or a family member or even a stranger. But the worst thing you can do is to bottle it up and let those feelings build up into something much bigger than they are.
Sometimes in life, we can feel that the path we walk is a path that we walk totally by ourselves, but that’s not true. There’ll always be people there for you- sometimes they might even surprise you who they are.
And don’t ever think that you’re worthless and that no one cares about you. If we get ourselves into thinking that way, we’ll end up believing it. After the talk with my big brother last night, I concentrated on all the reasons why I am a good person. Fair enough, I’m finding it hard to forgive two people I feel have wronged me, but I am trying. I’m trying so hard to forgive and move on because I don’t want to carry that negativity around with me anymore. And fair enough, I can’t ever be sure which of my friendships will last and which won’t, but sometimes in life you need to take chances. Sometimes these chances pay off and sometimes they don’t, but we live and learn.
Thanks for reading